Life as a Mum and Student; the good, the bad and the downright ugly!

What a week it has been! Unfortunately for the last week I have been very ill, yet again. It honestly couldn't be worse at this time of my studies.

I began feeling very ill last Thursday and it just escalated from then and I unfortunately had to take another trip on Easter Sunday to hospital where I was diagnosed with yet another viral infection. I've had ulcers covering my mouth and throat and I've been unable to eat or drink for a few days. This was making me feel so sick, weak and lethargic.

The doctor has told me that I am putting myself under too much stress and I need to start looking after myself a bit better as my body is beginning to burn out because I'm trying to do too much at once, i.e be a final year student, be a mum and work! How is it possible to slow down though? In order for me to get my degree (which my job offer is relying on I might add) then I have to work on my dissertation and coursework! 

Over this Easter holiday I had planned to cram in a lot of work for my dissertation, but that just wasn't possible due to my illness. I was literally in bed for 5 days. This has made me so emotional and I think I've cried every day due to the stress I now feel under as I'm way behind in my work with only 3 weeks until the hand in date. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do! That taking it easy I'm supposed to do? Not going to happen! 

From a mother's point of view, this illness left me feeling so guilty as I felt that I ruined everyone's Easter and felt terrible for Cerys and Isla-Rose. Cerys was desperate for an Easter Egg hunt on Easter morning (which I almost forgot to do), so I had to try and sort out a quick hunt for her. I felt awful though and really felt it was such a half-hearted effort from myself. Cerys was up at 7am the next Morning to start her hunt and I couldn't even lift my head off the pillow. I literally had to drag myself out of bed and normally I would be filming and taking loads of pictures of the girls but I honestly couldn't find the energy to do anything. I felt so guilty and like a terrible mum that I couldn't put any effort into it.

My wee mini Easter Bunny

I also felt really bad for Mark, he was running around like a headless chicken looking after the girls and looking after me. I really felt like I'd ruined his Easter also. They managed to visit the family on Easter and going by the pictures had lots of fun, while I was stuck in bed, so that made me feel slightly better for them.

Cerys seemed to be having fun on Easter night anyway! Haha!

On Monday, Cerys also had her dancing exams which I wasn't able to attend. This just made me feel even more awful (I'm certainly not going to get the mum of the year award this year!). I had to rely on Mark and the other Mum's at the dancing to help her out, who were all amazing but I just felt terrible that I couldn't support her properly.

My big girl ready for her exams on Monday xx

Getting an illness at any time is horrible, especially when you have kids to look after but this time has just felt extra pressured due to the short time I have left to complete all my uni work. I've really found this past week so tough and again it has made me question why I have put myself through this in the first place. But that's just the negative part of me coming out due to feeling down at the moment.

I'm hoping over the next couple of days I feel better because, oh yeah I forgot to mention, I also have  Isla-Rose's christening on Saturday! I'm not organised for it at all as I should have got loads of things for it last weekend but the illness scuppered my plans! Can I just run away now please?! I really am a glutten for punishment. I mean who even thinks that this would be an ideal time in the semester to book a christening for?! I don't know what goes through my head at times. Say a wee prayer for me guys! Lol.

Emma xxxx

So it's been a busy few days being a mum and student for me. On Tuesday I was working all day and then had to rush home to get Cerys organised for a Dance Competition she was taking part in which was for all the school's in the district. I had 20 minutes to get in the house, do funky hair and makeup on Cerys and try and shovel some dinner down. Mark was unfortunately away for an overnight stay for work so wasn't there to help. I never even had time to change out my work outfit or even have a wash (how lovely). Mark's dad helped out with lifts which was a lifesaver as I'd have never got to the competition myself without a car! 

The competition itself was great and I was really proud of Cerys and her school friends. They came 2nd in the competition which was an amazing achievement and Cerys was so happy to get her medal.

Isla-Rose's gran watched her this night as we weren't going to get home until 10pm, so that was waaayyy past her bed time. Once I had settled Cerys in bed at 10.30pm that night, I then had to begin studying for a university presentation which I had the next morning. That really was a struggle, trying to apply my brain after a 9hour shift at work and a further 3 hour dance competition! When I was running over my presentation I was talking a load of gobbledygook and just couldn't concentrate. I eventually stopped working on it at 1am and went to bed to try and get some sleep for the next day.

Yesterday morning I had my presentation, I was so nervous and my stomach was flipping so much that I genuinely thought I was going to vomit! I absolutely hate presentations as I hate that "all eyes on you" feeling. I get so self conscious and start to stumble my words. My favourite words are definitely "eh" and "em" when I'm presenting. Bleugh, I just hate it! I got through it though which was good, although I was only allocated 15minutes to talk and I think I talked for 25minutes! Haha. 

After my presentation I had to head to work. I really couldn't concentrate the full day though as my head was mush from the presentation and I hadn't slept much the night before. I had to work on an extra hour and felt so guilty as by this point I hadn't seen Isla-Rose for over 24hours. Her granny must have been shattered having her for all that time. She has also been ill again the past few days with heavy cold symptoms, so she's certainly not been in the best of moods the past few days. I had to collect Isla-Rose then pick Cerys up from dance class so I eventually got in at 7pm and I was then tasked with decorating an Easter Bonnet for an Easter Parade Cerys had the next day in school!! OH MY! That was just the end of me. 

In amongst trying to decorate the Easter bonnet, Isla-Rose proceeded to keep climbing on to our coffee table and have a wee dance (check out the vid). Where did I get this girl? Haha!

We've got a climber! from Emma Knox on Vimeo.

It took over 3 hours to complete and I eventually finished it at 10.45pm, once Cerys was in bed I might add! 

I still had uni work to then try and do but there was no way that was getting completed! My head was bursting and I just wanted my bed. The kids always come first, but it really is hard to try and get any of my own work completed in amongst all these things.

I did get some good news today that I got 82% for my presentation, which was a great wee boost to hear this. There's still loads to do though and only 5 weeks left! So much to do, so little time!

Emma xxxx

Being a mum and student means that my social life has pretty much went out the window over the past 4 years. So it was great to have a break away from everything at the weekend to attend the christening of one of my best friends daughter.

It felt great to let my hair down and catch up with all my friends, some of whom I haven't been out with for well over a year! It was so nice to forget about my dissertation and coursework for a day and I felt relaxed for the first time in ages (the Gin may have helped towards that though!) I think Mark was really happy to see me like this also, as all he sees these days is a complete stress monster.

It's times like these that I really cherish as they are few and far between. Since I've been at university, I really feel like I've become a bit of a recluse as I've been so determined that I stay focused and do well in my studies. Obviously this is very important, but I've also realised that it is vital to keep in touch with friends and make the effort to go out. In reality, university only lasts for a short time of your life so you certainly shouldn't sacrifice friendships for it, god some of my friends I've known now for over 26years (how scary is that?!) My friends are fabulous though and realise exactly what I've went through the past 4 years, especially since having Isla-Rose. They are so understanding and don't hold any grudges, I hope!

I was never going to have the typical student life, pubbing it every weekend because I'm a mum and have responsibilities, but am I going to regret not going out just a wee bit more throughout my time? Well who knows? All I know now is, I cannot wait to finish my studies, start earning money and make up for all the lost time with my fabulous friends. There are still plenty more years for many memories to be made and I can't wait to start making them!

Emma xxx

So yesterday I went for a Graduate Assessment interview with a company that I've been keen to work with for a while and maybe you can guess from the title, but today I got a phone call to say that I got the job!!!!!!!!

Girls are happy mum got the job!!

Right now I am in such a little bubble, I cannot believe that they gave it to me because, let me tell you, I really did think I bombed it yesterday! I've had a horrendous time since Saturday, as I ended up in hospital due to a bad sinus infection, where the whole left side of my face had swollen up and it felt like someone was continually punching me in the face. It really wasn't good. I was given antibiotics, but couldn't believe this could happen to me 3 days before the most important interview of my life!! 

Anyway, when I woke up yesterday I still felt awful but there was no way I was cancelling this interview, it was too important and my family's future depended on this (no pressure then!!)

The Graduate Assessment consisted of 4 parts; firstly I had an hour long competency based interview, which I felt was the most positive part of my day as I had tried to study a number of examples I could give, prior to the interview. However, the last 2 questions were not ones that I could have studied for and didn't have a clue what to answer! I had that sinking feeling in my stomach that from here on in the day was just going to get worse.

Secondly I had 60minutes to read through a scenario which included 4 pages of data which I had to analyse, in order to come to a conclusion. This for me was by far the worst task of the day. Analysis is normally my strength, but the fact I was under so much pressure, and of course still not feeling well, meant that my head really didn't feel like it was taking in any information and I continually doubted myself the whole way throughout it, which was a horrible feeling. My legs were also constantly shaking throughout due to nerves.

This analysis led on to the third part of the day which was a presentation to the panel on my findings from my analysis. Doing the usual Emma thing, I literally opened my mouth and let my words spill out. I was allocated a 15 minute slot and finished my presentation within 5 minutes due to talking so fast! God it felt so horrible! The panel were so nice though and when they asked me questions I began to relax slightly, they really weren't as scary as I thought they would be! I was finished my presentation before any other candidate, so at that moment I felt for sure I had bombed it.

After lunch, the final assessment was a group exercise, where I had to work alongside the other candidates to come to a decision based on a scenario we were given. I did feel this was a good exercise but then I started to over think and didn't know if I was speaking too much or not speaking enough. It's really hard to know what an employer is looking for. I didn't want to appear over bearing but I didn't want them thinking I couldn't hold my own either! So much to think about, no one warns you of this!

Needless to say at the end of this day I was completely drained, emotional and my brain felt like mush. I was so glad that it was over! I can't believe how much you have to go through to try and get a graduate job, but I also do understand that these companies are going to be investing a massive amount in you over 2 years, so it is in their interest to get the best people!

A massive positive of the day however, was meeting the other candidates, there was such a variety of people from different countries and backgrounds and it was so interesting to hear all their stories. Also rather daunting too though as they all seemed way more interesting than myself and far more intellectual! They were a really nice bunch and I had the thought in my head that I wouldn't mind losing out to any of them as they were all lovely!

But the shocker of a phone call came today to say that I had been successful! I burst into tears on the phone, soooo embarrasing, I really need to get myself together haha! This means so much to me and my family though, I had so much riding on this as it's been a tough 4 years which has put all our lives on hold.

I could not be more thankful for this opportunity, it hasn't quite sunk in yet but I am absolutely over the moon! I still have a lot to do over the next few months and don't start until September

Emma xxxx

It's 4 hours out the day (and money out my bank) which I can't really afford but since I had roots like a tree, I thought I better go and get it sorted. Better try and make a good first impression I suppose, they do say they always count, don't they? ! I decided to go for a wee ombré number for a change.

I don't ever have time (or money) to pamper myself these days, so even although the usual guilt that I could be doing something else was kicking in, it was nice to be treated like a princess for a few hours.

Cerys went away to school in her Dorothy outfit this morning, looking great I might add! What an effort those types of mornings are though! I'm used to Cerys just having a quick ponytail in for school but this morning, in true Dorothy style, I had to do French pleats with the ends all curled. Thank god that's not an every day occurrence, too much stress for me thanks very much! I really envy these mums who have time to send their kids out to school like they've just stepped out a salon. I'm forever chasing my tail!

This weekend will unfortunately have to be dedicated to my presentation next week and of course my interview, so I have my hair all done with no where to go :-( boohoo! Nights out for me are a real thing of the past at the moment due to time and money constraints (AGAIN!) I really can't wait to be able to let my hair down and start getting nights out on the tiles with Mark and my friends again. These past 4 years have been a long slog and I've turned into a hermit while I've been a student. Surely that's the complete opposite of what a student is supposed to be though?!?! I really am not your stereotypical student, but I suppose with kids, no one would expect me to be!

I often wonder what it would have been like to go to uni straight after school before kids and responsibilities, but to be honest I don't think I would have been able to cope and the party lifestyle would have probably swept me up!

I'm glad I waited to be a mature student before going to uni, even although it's been hard because I do have lots of responsibilities, I know that I've been able to apply myself better as I have family to work hard for and plenty of support around me!

Emma xxxx

So, I've not been blogging for the past couple of days as my schedule had been so busy and I really feel like I've been meeting myself coming back!

We had some great news two nights ago though, my best friend Paula gave birth to this wee handsome man. Meet my GODSON Austin!! Yes I'm saying Godson as I am so honoured to have been asked to be this wee ones Godmother, how lucky am I?!?!  Paula asked me the night he was born and of course I accepted! I am absolutely delighted and over the moon about this! Tuesday had been another one of those days where I felt really stressed, anxious and annoyed and I was getting really emotional over things. So when this happened it was like a little ray of sunshine peeking through. Needless to say the waterworks started with me again, only this time it was happy tears! I've turned into such a blubbering wreck since I've had Isla-Rose, I really need to calm down!

Anyway, aside from this great news, I've been running around like a headless chicken trying to get loads of different things organised. Cerys has to dress up in school tomorrow for World Book Day (yes I'm aware it's a week late, but that's a story for a different day!) So between Tuesday and Wednesday I've been trying to organise something for her to wear, which really is a job in itself!

I wish I was one of those mums who can whip something out the wardrobe, stick it under a sewing machine and create a masterpiece, but no, unfortunately the bank card has to come out and shopping on Amazon we go, desperately trying to find something that has next day delivery, because in typical Emma fashion I've left it to the last minute AGAIN! Anyway, due to the wonders of the Internet it has arrived today, yaayy, so Cerys will get to go as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz rather than attempting some creation with a black bin bag lol!

Today I've had to sit and try and make red ruby slippers for Cerys' costume. The actual sparkly red numbers were way too expensive, so I bought a pair of flat red pumps for £7 from New Look and bought red glitter and prit-stick and attempted makeshift shoes. I'd say my attempt was not too bad, and cost less than £10, woohoo!

So in between all this I've been working and trying to study. Next week could play a pivotal part in my life as I have an interview on Tuesday which is a full day assessment for a Graduate position. The closer it gets the more my belly aches and I have so much material to study. The following day I also have a presentation on my Honours project so far, which is a 15 minute talk on my progress. This scares the hell out of me as I'm not one for presenting. I'm also worried as I haven't received all my feedback from my primary research yet so I may not have anything to even present on.

I have Cerys' parents evening tonight at school AND it's the last appointment in the whole night, so this is another night we are out the house and my studying is disrupted. It's always the same when I have so much to do! 

If only I was a FAIRY Godmother, I'd wave my wand and have it done in a jiffy!

Emma xxxx

What a strange couple of days it's been. There has certainly been a major mix of emotions over the weekend. 

So firstly, I've not been very well over the weekend, suffering from fluey type symptoms. It's been one of those weekends I've felt really sorry for myself and have had many emotional breakdowns. I always feel so emotionally unstable when I'm unwell, lol it's quite funny actually! Mark thinks I'm such a drama queen at times but I really cannot afford to be unwell just now, there's just too much to be done! So Saturday afternoon I spent in my jammies feeling rather sorry for myself, doing dissertation work.

A spinning plate which Cerys made me xx

Yesterday I woke up to a beautiful bunch of flowers and some home made goodies from my 2 girls for Mother's Day. This was fab and made me feel much better getting so much love from my girls. I had a few things to do in the afternoon and rushed around getting them done, thinking that I was beginning to feel better. But oh no, life had other plans ofcourse and all of a sudden I felt so ill again, I took a slump and the flu had hit me again, which felt twice as hard this time! 

Beautiful flowers, card and picture from my girls xx

We were going to Mark's mums for dinner but an hour before we went, Mark gave Isla-Rose tomato soup, who subsequently decided to rub her hands in it and get it all over her face, hair and brand new outfit!! So it was stripped, bath and new outfit on, grrr! 

Messy monster covered in Tomato Soup!!!!!

We had a quick, but lovely dinner at Mark's mums house and I had to give my apologies and leave. Then it was back home where I was in my bed for 7.30pm! I've got to say, it's been a very long time since I had done that. 

To make matters worse, I had a 4 hours assessment in university this morning which I was supposed to have studied hard for over the weekend, but I only managed 2 hours last night when I was in bed and even then I didn't retain any information, my head was thumping and my nose was running like a tap. 

Then this morning, Mark only went and put his back out! You really couldn't write this stuff. He literally bent down to pick something up and when he stood back up, craacckkk, his back just went, so now he can hardly move and when he does he looks like John Wayne! So the great help that he normally is, has all but disappeared, poor soul! 

After all this, my 4 hour assessment was absolutely horrendous , I really didn't feel like I knew what was going on and all I could think about was my PJs and my bed. 

When I finished, I came out to the sad news from my mum that her wee cat, Cleo had to be put to sleep this morning. I was so sad hearing this as we have had the cat since I was 10, so she had been a lifelong family pet! I know how sad my mum is and it's just a horrible thing to happen. Pets are definitely like children in the family. Seriously, could this day be any worse?! 

Me with Cleo the Cat when I was 10 xx

On a much more happier, positive note though, I have just had word that my best friend has been taken in to have her baby! I am so glad to be having a new wee addition to our group,  so hopefully the baby is born before midnight and we can turn a pretty terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day into a joyful, happy one! 

Emma xxxx

Mark filmed this wee terror 3 nights ago climbing up on the sofa, on to the window ledge and opening the window! I had been out collecting Cerys from dancing and when he showed me the video on our return. my heart was in my mouth! 

Now, it's not that Isla-Rose was in any danger this time as Mark was there the whole time, however it could have been much worse. There is roughly an 8ft drop from that window on to our decking in the garden so she would have certainly seriously hurt herself!

Today, Isla- Rose fell asleep on the couch and while she was sleeping I went through to fold some washing and tidy up before getting my study material out. The next minute I heard "Dada, Dada, Dada" and realised Isla-Rose had woken up. 

When I got to the living-room, imagine my shock when I found her standing on that infamous window ledge!!! Now her new party trick obviously! I honestly got such a fright, and was so thankful that she had shouted. Any longer she could have fell from there and hit the table or floor. Luckily this time we had locked the windows, but the thought of the possibilities of something happening is horrible!

It's this stage of childhood which I feel is the most tiresome and hard to concentrate. I was going to say worrying aswell but I reckon the majority of that comes in the teenage years! Isla-Rose hasn't even hit the "terrible twos" stage yet and shes already into everything and causing havoc! 

You really do need eyes on the back of your head

Emma xxx

So, I couldn't do a blog about being a mum at university without mentioning the people that have played an integral part of my journey. I really could not do everything I do without two very special people; my Mum and Mark's Mum, yip it's the grannies! We really are blessed to have mums who have good health and are able to watch our girls for us.

I would never have been able to do this journey through university if it wasn't for them, it has meant we don't need to pay for childcare and I know my kids are happy when having granny time.

I salute all you parents who need to pay for child care, it's awful that some people can't work because childcare is more money than their earnings are! Isla-Rose was 2 weeks when I went back to uni and these two very special people stood up to the plate and looked after wee bubs for 3 days a week, sometimes more when I had to study at home.

I understand many people don't have the luxury that we have of having two available family members to watch their children and this can be the make it or break it decision for parents thinking of returning to study or even going to work full time. Being at uni, it isn't just the time spent physically at uni, but it's the time required to study out with.

Each module you take at uni states 200 hours of self study is required over a 12 week period, out with your days in university, that's 16.5hours a week per module. Now, you have 3 modules a term so that works out at around 49hours per week for study alone, then there is the physical time you are in uni and of course any part time work you may have, which for me is an additional 17hours. You're really talking in excess of 72 hours per week! And of course not getting paid for any of it!  Breaking it down like this has given me the realisation of the effort that is required throughout the time at uni and the time that is spent away from my girls.

This is why my super sitters are so very special to us, I would never have been able to do this journey without them, especially then falling pregnant during my studies. It was a full family decision that had to be made about whether I could return or not. Luckily they were happy to do this and I've been fortunate to be able to carry on my studies.

Unfortunately these days the only books I'm reading are technology textbooks and research material but I cannot wait to have time again to have some me time and do some reading. It's when I feel the most relaxed and can just slip into another wee world for a short time. Right now if I get a chance to read, it's after midnight and I literally get two pages in and I'm snoozing!

Not only am I an avid reader but so is Cerys, who is the biggest Harry Potter fan, just like her mummy. Yip this is a Harry Potter obsessed household! I've read the series 3 times and Cerys, at the age of 9 has finished all 7 books! We were so excited to find out that a new book will be coming out and we are counting down the days until it's release! I love that we have this in common and I'm hoping Isla-Rose is the same when she grows up.

I'm so happy that Cerys loves reading, in this day and age it can be so hard to keep the kids off of technology. I'm just so glad she would rather still pick up a good book than the iPad! Mind you, the only time Cerys has peace to read is in her bed as Isla-Rose is constantly trying to pull the book from her hands!

I've started reading to Isla-Rose and she is so interested in books already which I'm so happy about as I think it is so important to help their learning.

The only one we need to turn in this household is Mark, he is obsessed with the Harry Potter films but has not yet read any of the books (blasphemy in my eyes!) we'll work our magic on him yet though!

I've promised Cerys that when I graduate and hopefully get a good job  that we will save up and go a big family holiday to Florida. Most young kids would be most excited at the prospect of Disneyland, however Cerys is most excited to go to Harry Potter World, and to be honest so is mummy!!

This is a huge dream of our family and once I get a job I will save my wee ass off to get us there!! They've put up with my studies for 4 years so it's the least I could do!

Emma xxxx

I want to get back to this, I want a toned tummy again! This picture was taken nearly 3 years ago, pre baby number 2. I was coming to the end of my first year at uni and life felt like a breeze (even though I remember thinking it was soooo stressful, oh how wrong I was!!)

I remember being able to come home early from uni and fit a run in before picking Cerys up from school, or when Cerys was at her clubs at night time I'd get a run in then. Back then I also had the motivation to do work outs in the house when I couldn't get out running. 

10 months after the above picture was taken I fell pregnant with my wee bubs and my body has never felt the same since. I know this is normal and it can take a long time to get back in shape but I'm missing having the time to even try. Now it's rushing home from uni to pick up Isla-Rose and cram in some studying before making dinner, taking and picking Cerys up from dance class, putting Isla-Rose to bed and then cramming in some more studying.

After having Isla-Rose, I lost my baby weight pretty quickly which was great and to be honest the weight thing has never been a major issue for me. The issue has always been the toning and shaping that all my exercise done for me. 

Since I started my final year especially, I just have not had a minute to even think about a training regime, but I can feel my baby pouch that I had lost, creeping back slowly but surely (thank god for tights in the winter) and my usual jeans are just becoming that wee bit too snug around the butt and thigh area! I've heard ALOT of people can put on weight when they enter their final year at uni because there is simply no time to do anything

I know for a lot of people it isn't important, and it is waaay down the priority list for me at the moment, but not only did exercising make me feel great physically, I felt mentally more prepared and focused. I really am missing this side. And no matter how many times you hear "aww you look great!", I still know where all my extra squishy bits are and which bits jiggle a lot more than they should!

I know now I'll probably never get back to the shape I was in in the top picture but I'm looking forward to graduating and summer coming so that I can get into a routine before I start working full time and it all goes upside down again!

Emma xxxx