Life as a Mum and Student; the good, the bad and the downright ugly!

So tonight I started to finally try and promote my blog which felt really scary and embarrassing! All of a sudden I realised that people I know are going to start reading this and I'm beginning to wish I had blogged about something a little less personal! I start thinking that I'll probably get laughed at and panic that people will think I'm really cringey for doing this. I find I often think like this at different times, seeing the more negative side rather than just embracing the situation.

In lectures I can be scared to shout out an answer incase I'm wrong and feel stupid so I'd prefer not to say anything, even when a lot of the time I knew the correct answer right enough! I'm OK in a smaller setting but when it comes to a large group I can get so embarrassed at times!

I have two interviews coming up over the next three weeks for big companies and rather than embracing that I've even got this far, I talk myself out of it and think the worst "what if they don't like me? "what if I say something really stupid? " I bet I'll embarrass myself in some way". Why don't I think "Emma you'll be great, you've come this far"? It can be really draining sometimes being so hard on myself! I know that I can do things and have accomplished a lot while being at uni the past 4 years but there's still a nagging thing in the back of my mind holding me back!

 I really need to start embracing that I've come this far and that actually, yeah I'm doing alright! I've  managed to get this far in life so far, doing alright. My grades are good, I'm getting interviews and I have a happy, healthy family, so why not be confident?

Sometimes I think it can be so hard to be confident because there are always people there waiting for you to fall, but on the other hand, I look at the people who are waiting to will you on and want you to do good. Just tonight I posted my blog on Facebook for the first time and although I was embarrassed, the positive feedback I've got from people wishing me well, even those that I don't know, has been amazing! I think we definitely need to promote that positivity more and make people more confident in the decisions they take, whether it's in something as big as an interview or someone who's willing to bare all on Social Media! We need to be good role models for all our children.

Id like to thank everyone who's wished me well tonight, you've given me an extra boost of confidence which I didn't think I had! I really need to start believing in myself, other people can, so why cant I?

I've found that through my years at uni, the hardest part is the weekend and choosing whether to study or spend time with the family. It is difficult because in the long term it's a small sacrifice I will have made to better my family but sometimes I feel so guilty if I've not spent enough time with the family and Mark can give me that glaring look as if to say "I will throw that laptop out the window if you don't stop looking at it!"

Being at university can definitely put a strain on your relationship at times as the normal day to day stresses can be heightened as there just isn't enough time in the day to do everything. It can be hard as I know while I'm at uni the house is always that bit messier and quality time spent with the family decreases. I suppose it's about making that extra effort when there is extra time.

Today I chose to spend time with the family, even although I really should be working. It was such a beautiful, sunny day in Scotland today which are so few and far between that I just had to take the opportunity to enjoy it.

We went a lovely drive to Loch Lomond Shores in Balloch, and as you can see from the pictures, it was absolutely beautiful. We ended the day with a lovely fish tea from one of my favourite places, Palombo's Fish and Chip shop in Balloch, which I'm sure has done nothing for the baby belly but oh my it was lovely!

So even although I'm sitting here feeling guilty for not doing the work I could have done today, I know that these are opportunities I can't get back with my family. So, Family Time 1 - Studying 0 today I'm afraid.

So yeah, apparently a messy baby is a happy baby, but it certainly doesn't make a happy mummy!

This was the mess that my little monster left for me today! She decided to ransack her big sister's cupboard while I was downstairs doing some university work. I honestly could have cried when I saw it!

This kind of thing is a regular occurrence in this household, however that certainly doesn't make it any easier. I had been trying to spend a wee half hour trying to study but this was totally scuppered when I saw this! Her big sis had supposed to be looking after her but she ended up with the music on dancing. Stress, stress, stress!

I also bought this little lady's christening dress today. It's so beautiful and can't wait to see her in it on her big day but that shopping trip wasn't without drama either. I realised when I turned up at the shopping centre that I had forgot her pram so had to carry and occasionally walk with an 18month year old, which, for any of you mum's out there, you will know is a hell on earth experience! Between pulling clothes off the rails and running into every second person, it certainly was eventful. To top it off I had also forgotten the pram bag, so yeah I had no nappies, no wipes, no nothing! By the end of the trip she had a nappy that had swollen to the size of a beach ball and looked like it was about to burst. Needless to say the shopping trip was cut short and homeward bound for us it was! I really don't know where my head was at today!!

So I've been trying to blog every day since I set this up, to keep the content relevant and up to date. However last night I took some time out and had a lovely meal with the family in a new restaurant called "The Old Plane Tree". It is one of these restaurants which have all their main meals on a 2 for 1 deal, so it was ideal for our wee family. I had this gorgeous calzone pizza and the girls enjoyed their dinner too, as you can see!

I thought the rest of the night was going to be nice and relaxed, however I was wrong. 

I had been persuaded (basically torn apart) by my lecturer yesterday to create a more professional looking blog, I decided he was right and uploaded a new template to try and make my blog better looking.

What a disaster it turned out to be though! This blogging millarky certainly isn't straight forward. Big up to all you bloggers out there who do this every day! I'm a computing student and still found the manipulation of the code really hard! When one element of the page looked nice, another looked horribly wrong. It's sooo time consuming.

I thought this Digital Marketing module was going to be ALOT more straight forward than it actually is. Turns out this is taking up more time than my disseration!! Time is definitely my enemy here but I also think I'm slightly obsessive when it comes to uni work. Last night I kept telling Mark, "I'll be done in 2 minutes", fast forward 5 hours later and I was still sitting staring at my screen. 

I do this alot, and while it's OK to always strive for perfection, I really need to realise I'm never going to get there! Nothing's ever perfect so I really need to stop being so hard on myself and stop getting so frustrated when things aren't going exactly to plan. 

Hope you guys like the layout of my blog so far, it is still a work in progress though!

Emma xxxx

Being a mum completely changes you, your life isn't your own any more, you don't think as you used to, you don't eat like you used to, you don't go out like you used to and your body develops extra squishy bits that were never there before, but honestly.......... I wouldn't change it for the world!

To have these wee creations who are totally dependent on you is a bit mind blowing. Everything you do, they copy, everything you say, they copy so I feel it is so important to be a good role model for my kids.

I remember watching this video that my friend sent to me when I was pregnant with Isla-Rose and it just made so much sense. 

Even when my babies were still in my tummy, they were experiencing EVERYTHING that I was experiencing, living and breathing every moment with me. It's amazing to think of the journey they go along before they even come into this world.

My girls are my life. I love Cerys being the age she is as she's starting to develop some independence and be able to think for herself, but isn't too old yet for mummy to still tuck her up in bed at night.  Having 8 years between my girls has been a blessing as I now get to re-live all the crazy baby years with Isla-Rose while enjoying Cerys' next stage in life.

Even if I do get moments where I haven't washed my hair in 5 days, have dirty nappies coming out my ears and I'm getting back chat from the bigger one who's independence is just stretching a little too far, it's all worth it.

Being a mum is what I'm meant to be and whilst I am about to graduate and become a "career woman", no matter what,  my babies and family will always come first. I can't wait to stand in my graduation gown and be presented with my graduation certificate and look down at those faces and know it's all been worth it!

Emma xxxx

R.I.P my little black boots, I'll miss you! Yip the zip has burst and it's finally time to throw these wee faithfuls in the bin! I've probably worn these boots every day, through Autumn and Winter for the past two years! That's the thing with being a student, money can be really tight so I've had to learn to just make do.

We bought a lovely house in 2013 which really is a beautiful family home, but with this house came consequences and we knew for the next 3 years we'd be scraping the barrel for money. There is only really one wage coming in to the house and I do get a SAAS loan which has been a lifesaver at times, but this mixed with my part time wages still isn't much when you are a family of four with a large mortgage and many bills to pay.

Out with paying bills, I have two daughters to feed and clothe and activities can cost an absolute fortune at times. I've mentioned before that Cerys goes to dance class. She attends on a Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and Saturday, so it can be a lot of money at times but I wouldn't take this away from her as its a healthy hobby, she has made great friends and I also think she's pretty damn good at it! Cerys helps me so much with Isla-Rose aswell so she is definitely worth it!

I've never really been money orientated, as I grew up with my mum who had not a penny to her name but I have always been adamant that I'd try my hardest to provide a comfortable life for any children I had. 

Money through my time at uni has been tough and Mark and I often go without to make sure our girls have what they want but I am looking forward to earning a bit of money when I graduate so I can finally spoil myself! 

Ok, I know I've already posted today but I've just been browsing through Facebook and the "You have memories" section popped up. This was the status that I had posted four years ago to the exact date! 

I honestly cannot believe where the last 4 years have went and can't believe I'm now at the very end of my university journey. Reading this status has made me feel both proud and sad; proud because I can't believe how far I have come in these 4 years but also sad because it really does feel like the end of an era. 

I don't often like these Facebook memory posts as most of the time I've found myself saying "why did I ever post that?!?!" but this one tonight really has hit me hard, wow I really have just blinked and 4 years have passed by me! 

Time does go by far too fast, you really do have to cherish every second and make sure every moment is made into a memory!

Emma xxxx

It's at this time of year that I normally begin to feel the pressure rise slightly in terms of my uni work. I'm just about to enter week 4 of my final term and it's from here on in that the work normally begins to get really tough and time begins to be my worst enemy.

Weeks 1 - 3 are normally more laid back (even although they shouldn't be) and then week 4 hits and suddenly it's panic stations! 

Today I've been working on my dissertation for around 7 hours, holed up in my bedroom as it's the quietest room in the house. I haven't showered, I'm sitting in my PJs, I've had a packet of crisps and twix for my lunch and I'm typing my life away like there's no tomorrow - a massive amount of krap I might add! These are the days I get really annoyed and frustrated if I get disturbed, hence the reason for not showering or making a meal! When I'm in this room, I normally keep a good train of thought and get really mad if I get interrupted with anything.

I need to make these small sacrifices at weekends at the moment just until I get my work completed. I need to shut myself away in order to not be disturbed. I hate doing it but I know it won't last forever.

I think Mark gets a bit peed off about it at times, like today, once he'd finished his DIY he was asking when I'd be finished and looked disappointed when I couldn't give him a time. I told him to take the girls out if he wanted some time out of the house but unfortunately I was unable to go. I'm aware it's rubbish and it really does suck when I can't join in on family time but this is all for the greater good and it just adds more pressure on to me when I see Mark get annoyed.

I know it can be an additional stress on the family just now and that can make me feel awful and guilty at times but then, at the same time I think "No!" The only reason I've put myself under this stress the past few years is for my family, so that I can provide them with a good life and we can live comfortably, an environment I never really had growing up.

8 weeks tomorrow will be my final week at uni, I honestly cannot believe it. I just need to knuckle down and get through these last 2 months and all will be OK! 

Emma xxxx

In typical Scotland style the rain is pouring down from the heavens today, I honestly don't think I've seen so much rain through the winter than this year, it really has been miserable. On days like this we're normally stuck indoors and I can often find myself reflecting on life.  Today I have been thinking about my journey through university and the roller coaster it has been. 

It really has been a crazy 3 and a half years so far. Even although I had only just turned 26 when I started, I remember being so anxious as I thought everyone else on my course would be really young and straight out of school and I wouldn't have anything in common with them. I was totally wrong though, the first day I remember telling my now very good friend, that I was 26 and was a mum and she couldn't believe it, she thought I was only 19! This made me smile and still does today. Although I have met many people throughout these years, I have a very close bond with two very special girls, Jasmen and Karen.

 These girls have literally been my rock since day one and I honestly couldn't have got through a lot of my time at uni if it wasn't for them! I never in a thousand years thought I would develop such a close bond with anyone while studying, they are definitely friends for a lifetime!

My uni journey has been full of highs and lows, I remember getting my very first set of grades back after my exams and being absolutely over the moon when I found out I had got 3 A's. I honestly never thought that possible! I've been so so lucky to have had these same grades throughout my whole time at uni and remain a straight A student,  although must say I have worked bloody hard for it! This can also have it's downside though. With me setting the bar so high from day 1, I've felt that I've had to keep that momentum going, putting myself under a LOT of pressure at times. My friends and family have told me that I don't need to constantly chase these marks, as in the end we all still come out with the same degree but I think it must be the drive and determination in me to prove I can do it. At the end of first year I won an award due to my marks and this was such a great achievement for me, going from having no confidence to this was such a boost for me. 

There have been many times I have felt like giving up though. In 2013 I suffered a miscarriage and moved house in the space of 6 months. And while the latter should and was a positive experience, the stress it put me under whilst studying and working was unreal. My emotions have been up and down ever since then and of course I then fell pregnant in early 2014. This was the most joyous news we could have received as myself and Mark were so desperate to give Cerys a wee brother or sister, but the first 12 weeks I was very severely nauseas and sick which affected my concentration during lectures and study time. I didn't think I'd ever get through my exams in May 2014 as my hormones were everywhere but somehow I managed it.

Ofcourse I then had my little Isla-Rose in October 2014. The feeling of leaving her after just two weeks to get back to uni was horrendous and broke my heart but I quickly realised that in order to succeed and do the best for my family, I had to do this! Isla-Rose has had her fair share of illnesses last year which has had an affect on my uni work and attendance at times but the support I have received is second to none and when at times I have felt guilty for not being at uni, my friends have quickly picked me back up.

Although my friends have also not been without their fair share of grief, stress and worries, we seem to have worked as a perfect wee group and our friendship has grown, supporting one another if need be and being able to have a rant when we've been having a bad day. If I can take at least one thing from this experience then it will be the fact that I now have two more very special people in my life.  Thanks girls! 

Emma xxxx

This is what it can look like when your trying to write your dissertation.  I have paperwork coming out my ears and really don't know where to start.  I really do feel like I am drowning in information! I have research articles, notes, books and folders lying everywhere and it's hard trying to keep them in any order. This picture is from my bed today, a sea of paperwork!

Being overwhelmed is generally the feeling that comes to mind when I think of this final year. It has been a huge step up from third year and it isn't that I'm not capable of doing the work, as I know I am and my grades in the past are proof of this. However, at times I just can't seem to sort the thoughts in my head into a logical order so that I can actually get my work done. Is it still OK to use baby brain as an excuse for this?!! Cerys is 9 and I still say I have never lost it from then, lol. My thoughts can be constantly interrupted when I am trying to work in the house though, either by the kids or by Mark. I know they don't mean it but it's hard for them to understand that I'm trying to get away from my mummy duties when I'm working from home.

I'm lucky enough to have a Friday off at the moment but at times I don't feel like it helps me to get much work done as I don't feel like I can switch off from my mum and household duties. 

I seen this photo on Facebook yesterday and it made me laugh, this really is the story of my life right now. I take a break from my work to do the dishes or a bit of hoovering and it can feel like a real achievement but then I turn round and a mountain of mess is awaiting me.

I take my hat off to people who can work from home and can concentrate the full day without being distracted by normal household tasks. I find it sooo hard to switch off and because I often have Isla-Rose to look after I literally can't switch off as she needs my attention.I find the sayings that I normally have on repeat are "No, put that down" or "leave it alone" or worse I end up being distracted and singing along to the Peppa Pig or Mickey House Clubhouse theme tune, lol!

It's time to dress shop!! We just got news our graduation ball has finally been booked for June of this year!! I'm not going to lie, this is one of the things that I have been looking forward to ever since first year of uni. I left school when I was in my fifth year so didn't get to my school prom and to be honest 13 years ago they didn't really celebrate it in the way everyone does now, so I am mega excited for our graduation ball!

I'm really excited to celebrate with my two best friends and all the other students I have met in the last 4 years. It's been a hard 4 years with lots of ups and downs so we deserve to all have a great send off, party hard and celebrate all our achievements


   
                                 

It's time to lay all the chocolate and crisps to rest and start clean eating and exercising again. I WILL get rid of this baby pouch and fit into a beautiful ball gown!

Evening everyone,

It's been a really long day today. I did my 9 hour shift at work and then had to go and pick up Isla-Rose from my mums. Cerys goes to ballet class on a Wednesday so she is already there by the time I finish work. Once I get Isla-Rose I have to rush home to make dinner for myself and Mark as he runs a boxing club on a Monday and Wednesday night. 

I only eat half of my dinner and then realise I'm late to pick up Cerys from her dance class so I quickly rush down to get her. Mark and I end up like passing ships because as we come in the door from dance class, Mark has to run out to boxing. We only have the one car between us at the moment, which can be a real pain at times but as we really cannot afford another one just now we just have to make do with splitting it between us. This seems to be life for us right now, running around like headless chickens, constantly chasing our tails but then doesn't every family?

So today was a great day! 

I had a telephone interview today with a company I am so enthusiastic to work with. The job is to become a graduate on a 2 year graduate program with one of the leading companies in the technology industry. It went really well and I was told there and then that I had passed and I am now through to the next stage. I'm absolutely over the moon about this!

The interviewer made me feel at ease and it felt like more of a chat than a formal interview which I think is the best thing, as this is when I feel my best qualities come across. When an interview is really formal I always get really nervous and can never sell myself properly, therefore this company's approach to interviewing is perfect for me.

Interviews have always been a bit of a worry for me as I never know whether to mention whether I have kids or not. I always think that companies are always more likely to take the younger, fresher (and childless) graduates over me. But I have learned over time that this is not the case and the fact that I have kids and I am currently at university is actually a plus point for employers as it shows my drive and determination.

I'm really excited about the prospect of working for this company and starting a proper career. Fingers crossed all goes well and these wee faces definitely make all the hard work worth it!

Emma xxxx

Today is definitely one of those ugly days! You know the days you just feel bleughhh and everything goes wrong? Well that's been today! 

I officially hate Monday's; my Monday module is horrible and I'm wishing now I'd never selected to do it. I really feel like I'm drowning in information, none of it feels of any relevance to me or what I want to do in my career. 

We were given details of an assessment that is going to happen in 3 weeks time and it just made my my stomach flip. I get really anxious at times and when I get given information about exams or assessments it just makes me feel awful. On top of this I'm beginning to feel like I'm falling behind on my dissertation, my primary research is practically nil and void and I'm supposed to be presenting on it in 3 weeks time. I really do feel so overwhelmed now it's horrible.

To make matters worse today, I finished uni and went to meet Mark and the kids as they are all on holiday today (Mark is a teacher). When I got into the car you could literally cut the tension with a knife. It turned out Cerys and Mark had been arguing due to this new "attitude" she has suddenly developed, you know the one where every look is like you've just spoken to her in Russian?! Me being mum tried to resolve the situation but as usual it just made matters worse which resulted in another massive argument between all of us! It's typical family life I suppose but just not what I needed when I was feeling the way I did this morning. 

We had to go to IKEA for a few bits and bobs and Isla-Rose preceded to scream her head off and demand to get out of the trolley for the full time we were there. On the one occasion I did allow her out the trolley she decided to try and pull a lamp over and was almost knocked down by at least 10 trolleys! I started getting those looks from people (you know the look you get from people who don't have children or forget what its like to have a baby) so I had to put her kicking and screaming back into the trolley. Needless to say I had the sweats and a pounding headache after this trip!


Isla-Rose has decided to carry her temper tantrum on throughout the day, hence the picture. This can be so draining at times and makes me want to either burst into tears or bang my head against a wall. It's these kind of things which can make being a student even harder as I am finding it so hard to concentrate on my work with all this going on. Before, I would have normally went out a run or exercised to try and relax myself but now I just simply don't have time (another reason why I am feeling so bleughhh these days)!

Me and my friends joke at times that we wish we had our own private island to jet off to for the time we are at uni for some peace and quiet and no distractions. Today is definitely one of those days that I wish this was the case! 

Emma xxxx

Happy Valentines Day!

After Mark "thought" we had apparently decided to not buy each other valentine's gifts this year, he obviously felt guilty after receiving his gift from me so he went out and bought these beautiful flowers and balloon and treated me and the girls to a lovely lunch at Zizzi's. It was gorgeous and I'd thoroughly recommend the spaghetti carbonara! Anyway, it's nice to have some time out and spend some quality time with the family and its times like today that I am so thankful to have such a great wee family around me to support me through my journey at university.

Nothing could have prepared me for how tough my Honours year would be and writing my dissertation, I really didn't expect to have found it quite so hard. My lecturers had tried to inform us of how hard it would be but to be honest I thought they were just scare mongering. Now I realise why we were told we'd travel to hell and back, cos that is literally how I've felt these past 6 months and its not over yet!

I have found it horrendous trying to do my dissertation along with coursework for my other modules and also applying for jobs, nevermind my family duties. The job applications aren't straight forward either, there is so much time and effort that must be put into them to make sure you stand out from the crowd and then all these psychometric tests and numerical tests that companies put you through can be so stressful I sometimes question is it all worth it?! Days like today though make me realise it is worth it, I'm going through this for my family, to try and better our lives, provide for my girls and be a good role model for them and hopefully when they are older they will see this (even though I do become a crazy lunatic at my most stressful periods!!)

Emma xxxx

So the above picture is a regular occurrence in my life right now! It's Saturday night, Valentine's weekend and I'm stuck on the couch working on coursework. It's not all bad, I do have this little cherub to keep me occupied but she won't settle for a snooze anywhere but my knee so I have to arrange my laptop and paperwork around her. This is my regular study area, trying to keep baby happy while doing my work.


Daddy and grandpa are watching the rugby and big sis is away for a sleepover so it's just me and this wee one. I've got to say it's nice to have peace and quiet to get on with work, but the minute this wee terror wakes up it's "house wrecking time", the books get pulled from the bookcase, the toys get thrown around and mum's paperwork gets crumpled and torn. This is the life of a student mum I suppose!

I find Saturday's particularly hard to study and it's definitely the time I feel I procrastinate the most, Facebook noseying being a favourite past time of mine :). I find it hard at times to get the motivation at the weekends, especially when I see everyone's pictures out having a good time with family and friends. I keep telling myself it's not long though, 10 weeks and uni will be over! I can't believe how fast 4 years have flown by. That thought still doesn't make it any easier though when you're trying to read 3 of the most boring academic papers for Monday's lecture. Oh the joys!
Emma xxxx